I would envisage that within the MJN Air in-flight magazine there would (or should) be at least one page dedicated for passenger advice and airline rules. Here is what I think it would say…
If you think you have any more to add to this list, let us know in the comments!
- If you meet the Captain, ensure you address him as Captain, Captain Crieff or Sir. Skipper will also do. This is for our sanity as well as yours.
- Do not feed the steward.
- Do not give the steward drinks either.
- Do not approach the subject of bears or Egypt with the steward.
- Do not encourage the First Officer.
- Here is a list of things you can smoke on board: Nothing – just ask the last guy who tried it.
- Strictly no otters allowed in the flight deck.
- No passengers to enter the flight deck at any time, unless you are a heavy tipper or film star.
- Nobody has tampered with your arm rest, stop worrying. (Correction: arm-rest is hyphenated.)
- If you find a lemon anywhere in the cabin, please do not touch or move it – these are for staff use only.
- In the event of an emergency landing, please try to save yourselves and do not consider relying on airline staff to help or save you.
- In the event of a fire, the captain (with cap donned) will assist you. Failing this, look for a man with ‘Captain’ written on his forehead with lipstick.
- If you are from Ipswich, we have a member of staff who can help you to be understood.
- Please do not question the pilots’ professionalism.
- Do not bring expensive whisky onto the aircraft.*
- Due to a recent incident on a flight to Abu Dhabi, we advise any passenger wishing to transport pets or live animals to make alternative arrangements.
- Never address our CEO with an age-related title, eg ‘Dearie’.
- If your seatbelt makes a noise like a dolphin, please alert the steward immediately.
- Never make a bet with the First Officer.
- If you see, hear or smell anything unusual towards the pointy end of the aircraft, please rest assured all is well and your safety is our paramount (biggest) concern.
*Passengers who choose to do this do so at their own risk, the airline accepts no responsibility for loss.