16 Nov
2011
Posted in: Freebies
By    20 Comments

MJN Air Passenger Guide – 20 Guidelines for a Happy and Carefree Flight

I would envisage that within the MJN Air in-flight magazine there would (or should) be at least one page dedicated for passenger advice and airline rules. Here is what I think it would say…
If you think you have any more to add to this list, let us know in the comments!
  • If you meet the Captain, ensure you address him as Captain, Captain Crieff or Sir. Skipper will also do. This is for our sanity as well as yours.
  • Do not feed the steward.
  • Do not give the steward drinks either.
  • Do not approach the subject of bears or Egypt with the steward.
  • Do not encourage the First Officer.
  • Here is a list of things you can smoke on board: Nothing – just ask the last guy who tried it.
  • Strictly no otters allowed in the flight deck.
  • No passengers to enter the flight deck at any time, unless you are a heavy tipper or film star.
  • Nobody has tampered with your arm rest, stop worrying. (Correction: arm-rest is hyphenated.)
  • If you find a lemon anywhere in the cabin, please do not touch or move it – these are for staff use only.
  • In the event of an emergency landing, please try to save yourselves and do not consider relying on airline staff to help or save you.
  • In the event of a fire, the captain (with cap donned) will assist you. Failing this, look for a man with ‘Captain’ written on his forehead with lipstick.
  • If you are from Ipswich, we have a member of staff who can help you to be understood.
  • Please do not question the pilots’ professionalism.
  • Do not bring expensive whisky onto the aircraft.*
  • Due to a recent incident on a flight to Abu Dhabi, we advise any passenger wishing to transport pets or live animals to make alternative arrangements.
  • Never address our CEO with an age-related title, eg ‘Dearie’.
  • If your seatbelt makes a noise like a dolphin, please alert the steward immediately.
  • Never make a bet with the First Officer.
  • If you see, hear or smell anything unusual towards the pointy end of the aircraft, please rest assured all is well and your safety is our paramount (biggest) concern.

*Passengers who choose to do this do so at their own risk, the airline accepts no responsibility for loss.

20 Comments

  • Laura November 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Brilliant!

    Reply
  • EmmiCrieff November 17, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Well these are great! Wonderful! I laughed so much!

    Reply
  • Rianna November 17, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Ahah, these are wonderful. Brilliant job!

    Reply
  • Kirsty November 17, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Brilliant!! But how about this one –

    “If female, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to engage the Captain in conversation. Ever.”

    Reply
    • Grace December 13, 2012 at 7:11 am

      I approve!

      Reply
  • Kerstin November 17, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Brilliant of course!

    “If you fly with MJN Air please make sure that you have not parked your BMW or any other car anywhere near the airport or along the flight path. If you have we hope that you have a contingency insurance as we do not compensate for any damages, e.g. sugarbricks or flying water bottles. These things tend to throw themselves with suicidal intent preferrably onto very expensive cars.”

    Reply
  • Jill November 17, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    And in a related note: otters will be strictly limited to 100 on the aircraft.

    Reply
  • Yumenoko November 18, 2011 at 2:23 am

    So funny, and I bet they would make it into the magazine. (Especially fond of the seat belt one, as that scene still makes me laugh like an idiot every time I hear it)

    Reply
  • Sally November 18, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I love this but here are a two things that I would add.

    * If you insist on giving the steward food related items, Toblerones of all kinds would be most welcome as he has a distinct fondness for this confectionery. (Lord knows why, but he does!)

    * Please do not mistake the First Officer for the Captain as this makes the Captain very unhappy. An un-happy Captain makes for an un-happy flight deck and this is not good for any of us.

    Reply
  • Mika November 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Hahahahaha I laughed so hard. Thank you for that.

    Number 10 (the lemon one) is definitely the best. :D

    Though there should be one about passengers not interrupting any mandatory pre-flight exercises involving apple juggling.

    Reply
  • The Pointy End February 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    I am going on holiday soon, and I really want at least one member of the crew to act like the MJN Air crew! I will be forever happy, might leave a lemon on my seat when I undergo disemboardation :)

    Reply
    • Chris December 28, 2012 at 9:04 pm

      All lemons and other citrus-related items must remain in their current locations until termination of disembarkation. :)

      Reply
    • Aunt Raven April 22, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      Southwest Airlines (Texas) is noted for its high-jinks and are the best candidates for MJN crew behavior, including the travelling lemon. (This is because the airline is owned by the employees) Last time I flew with them, they had a hilarious patter for the pre-flight safety routine. Plus they had a contest awarding a bottle of champaigne to the first passenger who could produce a purple toothbrush. . .

      Reply
  • stuart May 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    If you see a lemon, don’t move or hide it…

    Reply
  • Daniel July 1, 2012 at 11:44 am

    “Do not attempt to steal the aircraft if you have no further use for your fingers”

    “Four hour delays are for you safety as the Captain does everything by the book”

    Reply
  • Daniel July 1, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    *unless you have no further use for your fingers

    Reply
  • Jaden November 10, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Oh. My god.i nearly fell out of my chair. Nw lock screen wallpaper? I hope so. My favorite was the one about Ipswich. Made my day.

    Reply
  • Chris December 28, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Should the outside temperature be below zero, do not be alarmed to find a steward adhered to the side of the aircraft. In the unlikely event of accidental stewardly inebriation, said steward has been freed from the aircraft and you should not worry – for it will “stop being hurting” shortly.

    Reply
  • Steve February 9, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    “Here is a list of things you can smoke on board: Nothing – just ask the last guy who tried it.”

    I think this should be “Here is a list of things you can smoke on board: Nothing – just ask the last guy who tried it’s next of kin.” Bit more of an incentive …. :-)

    Reply
  • Aunt Raven April 22, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Don’t forget Douglas’s announcement over the Uskerty airport tannoy:
    “Your attention please. This is an important message for all passengers hoping to fly to Nottingham:
    — Raise your ambitions. . .”

    Reply

So, what do you think?